


i heard somebody knocking at the door (but i was looking for something more)

by fivesecrets



Series: for the last time verse [1]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Explicit Sexual Content, Exposition, Friends With Benefits, Lack of Communication, M/M, Transfers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-17 12:14:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18965020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fivesecrets/pseuds/fivesecrets
Summary: The first memory Kai has is when he was two and a half years old.  It’s the height of summer, his father’s at work, and his mother has decided to take him, Jan and Lea swimming to cool off.  When they got there, it seemed as if the entirety of Aachen had decided to convene at the pool, but they gradually left as Kai was strapped in his pushchair, far away from the water’s edge.  His mother was nearby, watching him intently as she half-chatted with some woman she knew (Kai thinks she might be the mother of one of Lea’s classmates) when Jan climbed out of the pool and, out of nowhere, pushed Kai into the water.  Kai still remembers the sinking feeling, the panic of being unable to swim, and the faint screams of his mother as the lifeguard dived in to save him.The sinking feeling of horror is nothing in comparison to the violent ache that resonates through him when his eyes see the news.Or, in which Kai can't work out what Julian's hiding before it's too late.





	i heard somebody knocking at the door (but i was looking for something more)

**Author's Note:**

> • This is going to be a five-or-six-part series about Julian's transfer to Dortmund.  
> • The verse is titled from the song _For The Last Time_ by Dean Lewis.  
> • This opens with sex for the sake of narrative, just to be warned.  
> • The idea for a verse was inspired by reading the incomparable _I Lived Verse_ by dezemberzarin.  
> • I literally hate this but hopefully the verse will improve when I can get to the proper plot.  
> • With thanks to Elise, Mia, Blair and Eva.

_**barcelona, spain.** _

Kai almost chokes on air when Julian’s fingers brush lightly along the curve of his wrist as they walk along the path towards their hotel.  The touch is concealed by the darkness, although Mitch and Sam are too engrossed in each other to notice, and it’s setting very inch of Kai’s body on fire because he knows what it means.  Kai tries to focus on the rhythm of the waves washing upon the shore far beneath them, gaze homing in on the sobering sight of the too-bright moon because he knows he won’t be able to look at Julian and maintain his sanity when he has that with that stupidly attractive, glazed, drunken expression plastered on his face.  The air is thick with silence, but Kai still thanks god that, when Julian clasps their hands together, if he notices how clammy Kai’s palm is, he takes mercy and keeps quiet about it.

The intrusive glare of the lights in the deserted hotel lobby illuminate their secret for nobody to see, Mitch and Sam long gone by the time Kai's figured out the revolving door.  Julian's hand is soft, steady, reassuring like it always is as the sound of Julian's shoes squeaking across the linoleum echoes around the room.  

By the time they stumble back into Kai’s hotel room, Kai thinks he might be ready to lay down and die. Julian attaches his lips to Kai's neck effortlessly and without meaning, in the same way he's bitten bruises into his skin kissed a million times before, the underlying, aggressive, not-quite-enough that means Kai can never allow himself to be lost in the sensation.  Julian's mumbling something into Kai's skin that he can't make out as he lifts his best friend's shirt over his head, chucking it into the corner of the room carelessly as his hands scramble over the soft expanse of Julian's skin, touch rippling over the hard layer of toned muscle underneath.

The words to describe Julian flit slightly out of reach.

They take one, two clumsy steps backwards until the back of Julian’s legs collide with the bedframe and Kai’s being pulled on top of his best friend.  It always happens like this, Julian will decide he’s horny and all he has to do is give Kai the minutest of signals, because he knows Kai will always follow his lead.  On the field.  Off the field.  That’s how it’s always been.

“What do you need?” Julian leans up and breathes into Kai’s ear like he always does, voice catching with the arousal Kai will never get used to.

“Whatever you’re willing to give.” He answers like he always does.

It’s so familiar, so uniform that it doesn’t matter that they’re in stifling Barcelona in the middle of May, it’s just the same as overcrowding Kai’s too small bed in his flat in Leverkusen while the winter winds howled through the closed windows.   Julian still has that same look in his eyes as his hands make their way to the zip on Kai’s jeans.

Kai doesn’t care that it’s always the same, or at least that’s what he tells himself.  It doesn’t need to be different when it doesn’t mean anything.  He doesn’t want it to be different when he sees the gentle smile reserved exclusively for him on these nights on Julian’s face as his fingers trail along the inside of Kai’s thighs.

His cock aches with the need to be touched and he knows Julian knows, it would be impossible for his best friend to not be so intoned to Kai’s body and needs after the uncountable amount of times they’ve done this.  In secret.  It’s been going on for the best part of eighteen months and still no one knows about it.

It’s okay though, because no one _has_ to know.

The sweaty glean of Julian’s forehead is the same as normal, and words fly further into the distance like they always do.  It’s monotonous now, he thinks, as he slips a hand inside Julian’s jeans and boxers to graze along the length of Julian’s dick.  He always does, because he knows it will rile Julian up beyond belief and it’s always better when he does that.

“Fucker,” Julian curses him under his breath, but his face belies his affection for Kai.  And that’s a dangerous word, _affection_ , because it’s so easy to get lost in its connotations and forget that all it means is the extent of the friendship developed in the three years since they met.  Julian’s eyes might cloud with arousal, or Kai’s face might contort with sensation, but it’s completely beneficial and absolutely none of it divulges into discovering the depths of the love they have for one another.

Kai shakes his head to rid himself of the thought and focuses on the catch in Julian’s breathing as he pulls the clothes off his best friend.  He hears the crinkle of the condom and it’s relaxing in its familiarity as Julian places a hand on the small of his back.

“You’re okay?” He whispers like he always does.  Kai can never speak, so he nods, and that’s enough for Julian to delicately place him on the bed and smirk, wanton, at the way Kai’s legs separate of their own accord.  Julian climbs off the bed and Kai can hear the sound of him rifling through his bag as his eyes fix on the ceiling.  He’s been here so many times before he knows what Julian is searching for, but his stomach still jumps like always when he hears the zip of the bag.

Julian places a warm hand on the inside of Kai’s upper thigh and all of Kai’s heat shoots directly to that spot, hyper-fixated at the way he runs a teasing thumb along the underside of Kai’s leg.

He inhales sharply when Julian slides a finger into him slowly, carefully like he always does.  Kai’s never allowed himself to ponder how much care Julian takes of him, the kind of care reserved for a romantic relationship, because that subject matter only lends itself to dangerous thought trails.  He knows that if he were ever to start feeling something, whatever he’s got going on with Julian would end faster than he could comprehend.

Julian prepares him and then removes his finger with a shy smile as Kai falls back against the pillows.  He wonders that if this wasn’t friendly, and nothing more than mutually beneficial, if Julian would be kissing him as his fingers scrabble to open the condom packet, resting his forehead against Kai’s as he slides the condom onto his cock.  It’s the lack of such that serves as the best reminder for Kai about what he’s got going on here; and it’s probably not good to think about, but it’s a lot better than to start getting caught up in the fact that what they do so frequently isn’t what friends normally do.

They’ve spoken about it a frighteningly small amount of times for how often it’s happened.  The first time was almost a year ago, a few months after Julian’s girlfriend dumped him, when they were watching a film and Julian offered to fuck him out of nowhere, and it just spiralled on from there.  An easy fix.

Despite all the nights he’s spent staring at the ceiling and mulling over whether or not he should call the whole thing off before something messy happens, like catching feelings.  But he can never find the words when Julian’s eyes darken with lust and he’s always been one to think with his dick.

He comes back to reality with a shudder as Julian’s cock starts to slide into him.  The room is stifling from humidity and the heat emanating from Kai and Julian, and he can see Julian’s forehead glisten with sweat when he wraps his legs around the older man’s waist to assist him.  Julian keeps his eyes focused on Kai’s stomach, just like Kai keeps his eyes on watching the snap of his best friend’s hips as he thrusts into him, because they both know if they were to make eye contact now, something would shift, something they’ve been working together to hold back with the only weapon they have: avoidance.

Kai chokes a moan when the head of Julian’s cock hits his prostate.  Julian’s hands work their way onto Kai’s hips, tracing the slight jut of bone because Julian loves to touch, Kai knows that, knows his best friend loves to pretend Kai is someone else and Kai’s okay with that.

That’s what he tells himself, and he’s doing a decent job of believing it.

He bites down on his lip when Julian’s head rests onto his chest, eliciting a stinging sensation that tastes of blood when he swipes his tongue over it.  The older man is panting heavily, the taunt of the warm air on Kai’s exposed skin causing him to shiver involuntarily.  He thrusts back to assist Julian and that’s when it’s at his most sensuous, when their hips are rocking together and it’s almost enough to make Kai ignore the absence of all emotion.

His mind cuts out completely when Julian runs a thumb over his nipple in time with a particularly pointed thrust, and Kai lets out a grunt of such naked desperation, that if it was anyone but Julian, he’d be embarrassed beyond belief about it.  Julian, so acquainted with him, picks up on the incoherency immediately and slides a hand down to Kai’s cock, running the same thumb that was on his nipple seconds ago over the slit.  The feeling of the stimulation and his pre-come enabling the slide of Julian’s hand as his best friend begins to stroke his cock gets another couple of choked-off groans from Kai, before he feels his lower stomach tighten threateningly.

Julian must be tired, because Kai can see in his expression (that he caught a scary glance of) that he knows Kai is so close, but he doesn’t stop and tease, just continues touching Kai with a rhythm that belies his mastery.

Kai comes with little more than a sigh.

Julian goes back to thrusting purposefully until he collapses down, catching his breath like nothing’s happened and pulling his softening cock out of Kai.

It’s only one Julian has returned from the bathroom do their eyes meet again.

“Mind if I stay?” Julian asks, like he sometimes does when he’s particularly tired after sex.  The first time he asked, Kai had wondered if he’d misunderstood the whole arrangement, but Julian spent the whole night stiffly lying on the other side of the bed while Kai tried to look at anything but how beautiful he looked asleep.

“Not a problem.  What time’s your flight tomorrow?”

“Like eleven.  I’ll be awake long before then,” Julian laughs, punching Kai’s shoulder with such an air of friendship the idea that he was between Kai’s legs not ten minutes ago is almost inconceivable.  There’s some shuffling as Julian makes himself comfortable next to him, blue eyes flickering up to look at Kai as his head flops against the pillow.  He looks like he’s about to say something that Kai knows will threaten to knock every ounce of the air out of his lungs, but then he turns away and slips further below the bedcovers.

The exhaustion that began plaguing Kai the moment he came fades in the face of the challenge of overthinking about Julian’s actions.  It’s stupid, really, Julian’s probably just tired and not in the mood to pillow talk about mundane things like Kai’s grown to love, if the fact he felt the tell-tale jolt of sleep within five minutes of Julian turning away.  But there’s been something off about Julian in the past few days, the whispering against his skin he couldn’t decipher, the furtive glances away whenever Sam talks about next season and the weird swallowing whenever Mitch addresses another “sensationalised” transfer rumour.

That’s all it is.  Sensationalised.  They made it into the Champions League when they beat Hertha on the final day of the season and Julian’s release clause rose higher because of it, and he knows his best friend loves their club and the club loves him back.  He hasn’t confirmed to Kai that he’s staying, but he definitely hasn’t mentioned leaving and they promised when they became close in 2017 that if one was to ever leave, the other would be the first to know.

Kai frets over Julian for so long he falls asleep without realising.

* * *

He’s woken by a kick to his shin and Julian scrabbling frantically out of bed, cursing to high heaven and Kai can just about work out from the words in between “fuck” and “shit,” that Julian must have overslept and believes he is now in serious danger of missing his flight.  Kai stifles a laugh into his pillow because Julian has never been late for a flight in his life, due to his predisposition that means he must be at the airport at least four hours before the flight takes off.

“Calm down, Jule,” he says groggily, already drifting back to sleep.  “You’ll make it in plenty of time.”

“I’m going to be late!” Julian exclaims, before there’s a bang and more harsh swearing.  Kai cracks his eyes open just enough to see the older man shaking his foot as he hops around, one leg of his trousers flapping as he struggles to multitask nursing his stubbed toe and continue getting dressed.  It’s hilarious and enough to prompt Kai to flip over and lounge against the pillows as Julian hastens around the room, yelling at Kai to meet him in the lobby in ten minutes to say goodbye.  Kai’s still laughing at him when the door slams shut.

He throws on shorts and a loose t-shirt he picks out from his overpacked suitcase and stumbles downstairs, head throbbing lightly from his hangover.  Mitch and Sam are already there, looking about as shit as Kai feels, eyes lighting up when Kai hears the elevator ding behind him and Julian’s there, walking towards them with his suitcase dragging along the floor, briefly stopping off at reception to check out. Kai's admiring the lights he didn't appreciate last night, when his mind was full of nothing but Julian and getting fucked, but he can't help his eyes drifting to his best friend when he hears his familiar laugh - immediately wishing (for some foreign reason) he didn't when he sees the way Julian's smiling at the woman behind the counter who’s flirting with him, Kai can tell, before coming over to the three of them.

“We’ll miss you, bro.” Mitch says, throwing an arm over Julian’s shoulders.  Sam echoes the sentiment with a small smile and Kai doesn’t hide the way his eyebrows furrow in confusion.  Julian’s going home early because it’s his mother’s birthday in two days, they’ll see him when they arrive back in Leverkusen anyway, so the scene Sam and Mitch are creating seems quite overdramatic.

“I’ll miss you too,” Julian smiles, pulling Kai into a tight hug that also feels far too out of character.  He wonders if it’s the heat affecting his head.  But Sam and Mitch don’t usually look at him with _concern_ in their eyes.

He shakes his head to clear himself of the thought.  Julian’s going home for his mother’s birthday.  That’s it.  It’s probably just some prank designed to scare him.

“Go and catch your flight,” he says to break the awkward tension that’s settled between the group, “we’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Julian’s eyes drop from his face and the, “yeah,” is aimed at the floor, and there isn’t time for Kai to question him, because his best friend is backing away and he’s exiting the hotel, throwing a casual wave over his shoulder as he climbs into the backseat of the taxi.

Mitch clasps a hand over Kai’s shoulders as they head back to their rooms, talking over him to Sam about meeting to play football on the beach in half an hour.

His eyes fall on a stray training shirt with the number _10_ engraved on it that Julian must have left on his floor during their Fortnite session two nights ago.  The room was hot with competition and probable overcrowding, and Julian had taken his shirt off, while Kai tried not to look at him.  Mitch and Sam hadn’t helped, what with their stupid wolf whistles and extensive compliments about Julian’s physique that practically _invited_ Kai to stare dumbly at him.  Yes, his best friend is very hot to look at, and it’s true that he’s great at sex, but staring is something reserved for actual feelings which have never existed between the two of them.  In all the nights together, they’ve never even kissed.

(Aside from one night in Munich Kai has done his all to try and forget).

To rid himself of the thought, he strips naked and changes into swimming shorts, deciding to forego the shirt in the knowledge he’d take it off within five minutes and probably lose it.

Mitch and Sam bang on his door not long after, Sam’s hands full with a platter of strawberries Kai eats three of before remembering he’s supposed to be hungover and feels mildly sick.  It takes them ten minutes to even get to the beach the hotel overlooks because Mitch insists on performing tricks with the football in the middle of the hotel corridor.  Sam’s laughing far too loudly at Mitch’s jokes and if it wasn’t for the weird feeling Kai can’t shake, he’d turn his attentions to teasing them relentlessly.

The beach is weirdly deserted when they climb down the stone steps.

His toes curl in the sand and he feels almost human again.  Sam and Mitch have seemingly forgotten all about the planned game of football and careered into the water.  Kai can’t see them through the spray but judging by the girlish shrieks he imagines Mitch has Sam locked down and is splashing him mercilessly.  He giggles slightly at the thought and instinctively walks to the water’s edge, lying down and staring at the sky as the water washes up around him.

It’s relaxing and does a lot to cleanse his mind of the doubts that have poisoned him since he woke up this morning, to the point he lets out a whine of protest when Mitch drags him upwards and throws the football at his head, laughing like a madman.

“Fuck off,” he says, playing a one-two with Sam and half-volleying the ball directly into Mitch’s chest as vengeance.  It’s a simplistic way of deciding the teams, Sam and him falling back into their Under-18s partnership as they easily navigate the ball past Mitch.

Kai knows he should bare more thought to the fact Mitch, the biggest moaner he knows, isn’t whining about wanting Julian back so the game is fairer, yet even his prior relaxation doesn’t prevent him from the inability to ignore the strange feeling of surveillance.  His eyes drift up to the hill, but there’s no one watching from any of the balconies.  It’s only when his eyes drop back to his friends does he realise they’re sharing glances, oblivious to his eyes on them.

He remembers the woman at the reception desk this morning.

“Hey,” he says.  Mitch and Sam’s eyes snap to him in almost scary unison, “did either of you think the receptionist was flirting with Julian this morning?”

“No,” Sam says, “why?”

“No reason,” Kai stammers, “I just thought she was acting weird.”

“I didn’t notice anything,” Mitch says, shooting _another_ suspicious glance at Sam.  It’s starting to piss Kai off, all the little looks between the other two that he can’t work out.  But then Sam chucks the ball in the air and chases after it, and the moment is broken.

Kai’s mind is elsewhere for the rest of the day.  He receives a text around four in the afternoon from Julian telling him he’s safely home and that it’s raining, to which he replies a photo of the glorious Catalan weather and laughs aloud at the annoyed emoji he gets in reply.  The game dismantles itself when more people arrive on the beach, and Kai can’t help but feel glad, because it isn’t the same without Julian.

They’re a foursome that’s divisible into two pairs.  Kai feels like an outsider without his best friend.

The clouds fall over the sky around six in the evening, so the three of them head begrudgingly up to the hotel, stopping off to collect some food from the restaurant before convening in Mitch’s room.  He and Sam immediately fall onto the bed without a second thought, piquing Kai’s interest, and the shirt slung on the armchair in the corner he recognises as Sam’s only serves to confirm his suspicions. 

“Is there something going on between the two of you?” He says without thinking.

“It’s taken you this long to notice?” Mitch says, while Sam bursts out into laughter next to him, tightening the grip he has on Mitch’s waist.  “It’s been a thing for the best part of six months.  Jule knew before we did, I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.”

“He hasn’t told me anything, how was I supposed to know?” Kai tries his best to laugh, but it feels wrong, too hostile due to the _Jule knew before we did_ running incessantly through his mind, and _shit_ the implications of that could be tragic.  “I don’t have a problem with it, I just--- I’m happy for you.”

“He didn’t tell you?” Sam sits up, and _there’s another one of those fucking knowing looks_. 

“Seemingly not.”

“I thought you two told each other everything,” Mitch says pointedly, before turning and picking up a chip from the plate balanced on the bedside table.  

“Maybe he didn’t want to out you,” Kai says, more to convince himself than them, “he’s good with secrets like that.”

Sam hums in something that sounds like agreement, and it’s now Kai notices how easily his head fits in the crook of Mitch’s shoulder and really, he’s dumb as hell for not noticing the obvious affection in the older one’s eyes.  It makes him long for something like that, something that Julian wouldn’t be willing to give him (even if he wanted him to, which he _definitely_ doesn’t).  Mitch drops a tiny kiss in Sam’s hair before turning his attentions back to Kai,

“You say he’s good with secrets?”

Kai nods, averting his gaze from Mitch’s.  In his peripheral vision, he can see the oldest one narrow his eyes dubiously.

“Kai,” Mitch’s tone is almost silent, “what’s going on between you and Jule?”

“He’d kill me if I told you,” Kai sighs, imagining the fury in Julian’s blue eyes if he exposed their secret without telling him first.  The thought scares him enough to force his spine rigid and he gets to his feet, legs shaking, as he drags himself over to the balcony.  The clouds have turned threatening, and as if on cue, a thunderous wave of rain hits the Spanish cove.   His eyes fall on a stray palm tree and the droplets of water splashing violently against the green leaves, focusing so intently on it he doesn’t notice Sam climb out of bed until he feels his youth teammate sling an arm over his shoulders.

“Jule wouldn’t,” Sam swallows, looking like he’s about to continue before deciding against it and diverting away from the topic of Kai’s best friend, “he can’t anyway, not when he admitted to Mitch when he was drunk one night.”

“What?” Kai exclaims, whipping back around to Mitch, who is looking far too nonchalant for the rage just unleashed on him, “what did he tell you?”

“Nothing in gross detail,” Mitch shrugs.  “Just that you’ve had a friends-with-benefits thing going on for about nine months.”

“When did he tell you?”

“Couple of months ago.”

“And you told Sam?”

“Julian said I could.  Sam was with you.”

Kai remembers that night, when Sam randomly decided to invite himself over after training and play Fortnite with him until almost eleven at night.  When Kai commented on the absence of Mitch, Sam meagrely downplayed the subject and commenced another Battle Royale.  Julian had told him he was going up to Bremen for a couple of days for his grandfather’s birthday; and the idea of him not going straight away had never occurred to Kai.

He thought he’d be mad, but when Mitch finishes his explanation, he feels nothing aside from weirdly deflated at the loss of the secrecy whirlwind thing he had going on with Julian.  Part of him had always relished in the supposed knowledge that he was the only person who was on Julian’s mind the days they ended up fucking, although they were never exclusive, and the revelation that Sam and Mitch have known all this time evokes an unfair sense of betrayal that he resigns to keep to himself.

“You okay?” Sam whispers.

“Yeah,” Kai says through the lump in his throat and steps away from his friend, mumbling something probably incomprehensible about the Champions League before either of them gets the chance to say anything additional that Kai knows he wouldn’t want to hear.

“It’ll be great,” Sam replies, and it takes Kai a moment to understand that he’s responding to the new topic of conversation, “much better than playing in Europa.”

“Who says you’ll even play?” Mitch says, dodging the pillow Sam chucks at him as Kai forces a laugh. 

“Kai will play more than you,” Sam shoots back when his vocabulary seems to catch up with his violent instincts.

“How’s that an insult?” Mitch laughs, beginning to wrestle with Sam just as Kai hears himself say,

“Maybe, but none of us will play as much as Jule, so I don’t know why you’re arguing.”

Silence.  Deathly silence.  It rings out across the room as Sam clambers awkwardly off of Mitch, and it’s now the eldest’s turn to avoid Kai’s eyes as his fingers wrap in the material of the bedsheets.  Kai’s blood ices in his veins.

“What?” He says, cringing internally at how out of place his voice sounds in the frosty atmosphere that’s settled over the room, “what am I missing?”

“Nothing!” Sam exclaims far too fast.  “You saying that happening to--- happened to coincide with me feeling that Mitch has an erection!”

Mitch flushes scarlet and starts hitting Sam, profusely denying his boyfriend’s ‘malicious’ accusations as Kai finds himself simultaneously glad and angered by the respite.  He hates the way his friends seem to be shrinking away from him at the mention of Julian, as well as the things Julian hasn’t told him and suddenly, the worry that he’s misjudged everything he’s ever thought as true between him and his so-called best friend is crushing him.

“What else has he told you?” He blurts out.

“Nothing,” Mitch says slowly.  It’s entirely unconvincing and only heightens the sense of panic bubbling deep in Kai’s stomach.  He doesn’t know how to ask.

“Sam,” he turns to the younger one who he’s always been closer with, trying to make the fear he’s feeling obvious, “what’s going on?”

“You don’t know?” Sam’s eyes widen before he folds in pain at a seemingly sharp nudge from Mitch.  “I mean, there’s nothing to know.  Nothing you wouldn’t already know.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Kai shouts.

“I think it’s better if you go to bed,” Mitch says calmly, “you’re tired and emotional and we’ll talk about this in the morning.”

“What aren’t you telling me?” Kai says, unmoving.

“Nothing important,” Mitch says, holding a hand out to pull Kai to his feet.  “Everything’s fine, Kai, trust me.”

The fact that Sam is looking at Mitch with something animalistic in his expression is the only thing that pushes Kai out of Mitch’s room, because as intrigued as he is about whatever it is that he doesn’t fucking know, he’d rather die than watch the two of them fuck.

The other pillow smells so strongly of Julian Kai thinks he might pass out.  He presses it against his chest to try and smother the ache in his heart as his eyes trace along the patterns of the ceiling.  The rain thunders down for hours as his mind refuses to relent from pondering Julian’s secret, until he gives up and texts him.

 **Kai:** is everything okay?

The _seen_ appears almost instantly.

 **Julian:** everything’s fine

 **Julian:** why are you asking?

 **Kai:** mitch and sam were being really weird

 **Kai:** are you hiding something from me?

 **Julian:** no

 **Julian:** nothing big anyway

 **Kai:** what about mitch and sam being a couple?

 **Kai:** you didn’t tell me that, did you?

 **Julian:** that’s different

 **Julian:** you wouldn’t like it if we were outed

Kai resists the urge to make a cutting comment.

 **Kai:** how did you even find out?

 **Julian:** walked in on them kissing in the dressing room

 **Julian:** wasn’t like they could deny it

 **Kai:** fair enough

 **Kai:** call me?

Julian responds with a facetime.

“Hey,” Julian says, “how are you?”

“Alright,” Kai says absently, eyes fixated on the unfamiliar wall behind Julian, “where are you?”

“My mother’s house,” Julian answers, but he isn’t looking at the phone camera anymore.  Kai swallows an acknowledgement and falls back against the sheets, eyes flickering to the darkening sky outside.  The rain’s slowed to a gentle patter.

Talking to Julian is awkward, and that’s what’s weird, because talking to Julian is _never_ awkward.  It wasn’t even after the first time they had sex, so Kai doesn’t know why it is _now_ of all times.

“Are we okay?” Julian says, and for the first time in the two years they’ve been close Julian looks like he knows how Kai feels.  There’s a flash of something in his eyes that even the grainy camera quality can’t conceal.

“Of course we are,” Kai smiles.  “I just wish you’d talk to me.”

“It’s not always that easy when you’re not with me,” Julian admits, “and yes, I know I was right next to you twelve hours ago, but I didn’t know it was there to be said for definite then.”

“So, there is something.”

“Yes.  I’ll tell you when you get here, okay?”

“You’d better.” He jokes, before unleashing a yawn he wasn’t expecting.  Julian giggles softly at him and tells him to get some sleep, and just like that he’s hung up leaving Kai even more on edge than before.

He tosses and turns for three hours before he gives up on getting any sleep, moving to sit outside on the still-wet balcony.  The reflection of the moonlight glistens on the water of the sea that’s washing over the sand with a calmness Kai wishes he could replicate.  On the first night here, he’d sat in Julian’s room and drank beer until the sea and the sky had become an indistinguishable haze, talking at a strangely-quiet Julian about the insane end to the season.  He hadn’t minded at that point, still caught up in their fairy tale qualification and Julian wasn’t saying he couldn’t talk about it, but now he wishes he’d paid more attention to his best friend.

His eyes fall on a gap in the trees in the forest on one side of the hotel and, through the overly-lit pathway, can see the beginnings of a path that leads deeper into the woods.  He gets to his feet, hoping that a walk would do him good, but before he even gets out of the hotel room the exhaustion hits him and he drags himself back into bed, falling asleep almost instantaneously.

A pair of piercing blue eyes rattle his dreams.  Kai imagines every possible situation Julian could tell him about: him getting a girlfriend, his mother being terminally ill, even his fucking dog winning a competition.  Julian always had the knack of making the most mundane thing sound like a winning goal.

He’s so tired his body can ignore the blinding rays of sunlight hurtling through the windows for a while (he must have forgotten to close the curtains before going to bed, he thinks as he squeezes his eyes shut to evade the light attack), and it’s distorting.  His hands fumble against the bedside table for his phone, and almost knocks it straight off.

Cursing at the obtrusive light, he squints at the screen.

The moment it connects to the internet, he isn’t expecting it to practically explode in his hand with messages, far too fast for him to comprehend what’s happened to spark this reaction.  He catches glimpses of _‘are you okay?’_ and _‘i can’t believe it,’_ but a sizable chunk of time passes before the vibrating stops.

Ignoring all the texts, he opens Twitter, sighing at the painfully-slow hotel Wi-Fi that results in his feed taking an age to refresh.  In hindsight, it might have just been anticipation.

 _The first memory Kai has is when he was two and a half years old.  It’s the height of summer, his father’s at work, and his mother has decided to take him, Jan and Lea swimming to cool off.  When they got there, it seemed as if the entirety of Aachen had decided to convene at the pool, but they gradually left as Kai was strapped in his pushchair, far away from the water’s edge.  His mother was nearby, watching him intently as she half_ - _chatted_ _with some woman she knew (Kai thinks she might be the mother of one of Lea’s classmates) when Jan climbed out of the pool and, out of nowhere, pushed Kai into the water.  Kai still remembers the sinking feeling, the panic of being unable to swim, and the faint screams of his mother as the lifeguard dived in to save him._

The sinking feeling of horror is nothing in comparison to the violent ache that resonates through him when his eyes see the news.  Leverkusen has retweeted something from Borussia Dortmund and Kai feels sick rise in his throat when the photo loads, because it’s a picture of Julian, smiling next to a sign of Dortmund’s logo, wearing the yellow shirt.

Kai doesn’t need to read the caption or open the article to understand what’s happening.  He clicks over to the trends and Julian’s name is top of the list, and there’s lots of tweets about him too, photos attached that stab Kai through the heart because they’re of times that he’d taken for granted and now they’re gone.

He feels like he did when he was drowning, his body starved of oxygen and unable to conjure up any coherent thought.  His lungs tighten in his chest as he stares at Julian’s smile, how he looks so delighted to be betraying Kai, to go against the promise that formed their friendship in the first place.

His phone hits the wall with a bang and a dangerous cracking sound, but it does nothing to rid the edge of Kai’s anger.  The noise is muted behind the rush of blood in his ears, but it must be loud enough because within two minutes there’s a knock on his door that is characteristic of Sam.  He considers being unresponsive, but it just rises until he’s too annoyed to ignore them any longer.

“What?” He growls when he throws the door open.  Sam cowers away from him, and it’s only when he speaks does Kai notice Mitch is there too,

“We’re guessing you’ve seen--,”

“Yes.” He says.  He’s impressed at how emotionless his voice sounds.

“Can we come in?” Sam asks in a small voice, and if it were any other time Kai would feel fucking awful, but he doesn’t say anything and moves to let his teammates inside.

None of them speak.  Even if Kai could find the words, he wouldn’t want to.

“Did he tell you?” Mitch says eventually.

“No.”

It’s written on their faces.  Kai shouldn’t even need to mention it, because he knows what the pained glances symbolise, but he throws himself off the cliff anyway.

“He told you.”

“He did.” Mitch says matter-of-factly.  “Five days ago.”

“We’d guessed he didn’t tell you,” Sam adds, “you kept talking about next season and he made us promise not to say anything---,”

“What?”

“He wanted to tell you himself.”

“Obviously not, given he didn’t have the fucking guts to say anything!”

“Kai, listen to me--,”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Kai shouts, because he doesn’t, he just wants to go somewhere and be alone and cry out the pain coursing through his body and not have to deal with Mitch and Sam and their fucking love story and the looks of sympathy in their eyes.  “I don’t want to listen to whatever shitty consolations you have to say to me.  I don’t want to have anything to do with that fucking liar, or any of you, or anyone!  Just fucking leave me alone!”

Sam’s halfway out of the door before Kai even finishes yelling, not giving a shit if any of the people in the surrounding hotel rooms can hear him.  Mitch stays for another minute, begging for Kai to calm down and think coherently but it’s impossible when the only understandable thought he can create is Julian’s leaving.

He falls back on the bed when the door closes behind his teammates, forces the painful churning in his stomach to subside before a fresh wave of hurt washes over him and the room suddenly feels too small for the emotions crashing over him and he has to get out.

He stumbles blindly along the treeline until he reaches the opening, trekking down it.  If anyone saw him, he’d probably look insane, especially when he almost veers straight into a tree.  He walks and walks until he reaches a deserted clearing with a bench fashioned out of a fallen log, collapsing down onto it and stares at the sky.

_When Julian had scored against Hertha Berlin on the final day of the season, he remembers the elation coursing through him when he saw the way his best friend smiled, as he ran away from the goal laughing.  Kai had barrelled into him alongside the rest of the team, who were probably rendering Julian deaf with their yelling about the Champions League._

_Everyone he loved was there.  Everyone Julian loved was there.  Kai had spotted Jannis and Sophia talking before the game._

_He and Julian had taken to seeking each other out after goals, but something felt different when Julian brushed a hand over Kai’s to pull him away from the circle and into another hug._

_Kai had held onto him like his life depended on it because they’d done it.  They were going to the Champions League._

_To externals, he’d heard it had looked like a goodbye hug.  They didn’t know, why would they?  Only Kai had known what was really going on between the two of them._

Kai had been the only one to not know what was really going on between the two of them.

His stomach clenches agonisingly and before he realises he’s going to be sick, he vomits on the forest floor.  It smells and the stench is enough to pull him to his feet and out of the clearing. 

He knows he should turn back, knows that by now Mitch and Sam would’ve tried to reach him again.  He’d left his phone back in the hotel room because had he kept it, he might have done something stupid like message Julian, and that can’t be done, he can’t say anything to Julian before they see each other tomorrow. 

It feels like he’s running from something as he turns away from the path and into the unlit, untracked forest.  He’s in no-man’s land now, climbing over nettles and crashing through vegetation.  His mind is so deranged following him would be a cinch for the dents he’s made to the woods, but no one knows he’s here.

In a way, he doesn’t even know he’s here, because his mind is with Julian.

It’s humid beyond belief, sweat dripping down his forehead when he finally stops.  Somewhere along the way, he’s cut himself on a thorn bush and his leg is open with a red gash that he doesn’t bother attempting to staunch the blood flow of.

“What are you doing?” He gasps.  His voice sounds so unfamiliar.

He thinks that he wouldn’t know how to answer that question, even if he wanted to.  He doesn’t know anything anymore.  Not after the one thing he’d thought would never happen, happened, and he was the only person in his fucking world that was unaware about it.  His foot thrashes the woodland floor in rage and hits a stone, kicking it several metres before it lands with a satisfying splash.  He follows the noise, and almost falls into the small river when he reaches it, towering dangerously on the bank that rises half a metre out of the water.

The blood is still trickling down his leg and staining his socks scarlet, so he strips off and crouches down in the freezing water.  He doesn’t know where it comes from, or where it leads to, and if it were any other time and he wasn’t dealing with something he can finally pinpoint as almost heartbreak, he would go and find out.  It’s the kind of thing Julian would do with him.

Julian used to do with him.

It’s there, maybe miles from his hotel on the outskirts of Barcelona, that he finally breaks down.

His tears splatter into the water rushing beneath him as he sinks onto the bank.  He lets himself sob, scream, throw things, because he knows soon, he will have to face the world, to create a façade of having his shit together when everything he’s known since he’s been a senior footballer is dissipating around him.  It’s stupid.  It happens all the time.  Julian’s going to further his career, they’ve said before they can’t stay at Leverkusen forever.  But that doesn’t stop Kai from falling back into the foliage, because Julian hadn’t said anything about them not staying together, and now it’s over.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, minutes, hours, his only judgement the movement of the sun across the Catalan sky.  He doesn’t know if he falls asleep.  He doesn’t know anything other than he definitely isn’t ready to see his teammates again when he hears Mitch and Sam come careering through the trees.

“Kai!” Sam yells, and Kai hopes the bloodshot remains of his tears have disappeared from his face.  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I went on a walk.” Kai replies, fighting to keep his voice level.

“For five hours?” Mitch adds incredulously, “we were worried sick!”

“You’ve found me now.” Kai says, struggling to pull his shoes and socks on without Mitch seeing the blood droplets splattered on the material.  “Let’s go back.”

The crunch of their shoes is the only noise as they pace through the forest.  Kai keeps his eyes trained on the floor, follow Mitch and Sam’s footsteps blindly as they lead him back towards the hotel.  He can feel the looks his friends are shooting him.

He doesn’t realise how far he’d trekked until they arrive back at the hotel with the distinct mugginess of evening hanging in the air.  He tastes the bitterness of the apology on his lips, but he can’t make himself say it as he leans against the elevator walls, assuming an expression he hopes is of nonchalance as he finally meets Mitch’s eyes.  He sees the weariness in them, and almost feels a sting of guilt, but then he remembers Mitch lied to him about Julian and suddenly, he’s fighting off resentment.  He wants nothing more than to be left alone and sleep off his exhaustion before their flight back to Leverkusen in the morning, but he knows better than to be surprised when the other two follow him into his room.

“Kai,” Mitch says with a tone in his voice that pulls Kai around to look at him, “why would you do that?”

“I don’t know,” Kai admits, “but I’m okay.”

“Of course, you are because disappearing for half a day is normal behaviour.”

“Maybe I just wanted to go on a walk,” Kai says.  It’s a blatant lie, but he wants nothing less than to be forced to talk about his feelings.  He doesn’t see where that gets him.  Julian’s leaving, and the sooner he learns to live with it, the better.

(He knows it’s really because if he starts talking about what’s been circulating through his head since this morning, he’d never stop, and fuck knows where that might leave him.  Keeping it to himself is the best option.)

He can hear Sam talking to him, but he isn’t listening.  Eventually, his dissociation makes them leave with a reminder to be waiting in the lobby at seven for the taxi to their airport thrown over Mitch’s shoulder, and he’s alone again.  He hasn’t eaten a thing all day, but when he collapses into bed and catches a sniff of Julian’s scent laced over the pillow, he’s grateful because it would’ve probably all come back up anyway.

It’s the scent he could place anywhere.  In the locker room after training, after a game, in his bed at midnight after they’ve had sex, Julian was everywhere, and Kai hates himself for not appreciating it enough.  Because now, he’s lost it.

A buzz echoes from his phone.

There are a hundred unanswered notifications, but his eyes fall on one person’s contact shining right at the top.

 **Sophia:** kai, i’m so sorry

 **Sophia:** i’ve just seen the news

 **Sophia:** call me as soon as you see this

There’s a gap, and the latest text, sent a minute ago.

 **Sophia:** kai?  answer me please, i’m worried sick

 **Sophia:** oh thank fuck you’re reading these

 **Sophia:** can i call you?

 **Kai:** i can’t.  i’m coming back tomorrow, i’ll see you then

 **Sophia:** okay.  i’m taking you on holiday.  Leave it to me

In past times, Kai would’ve made a joke about her being a professional in the art of spending his money, but Sophia has been there for him through everything and if there’s anything she deserves, it’s that.  Even so, Kai leaves her messages unanswered and falls back against the pillows.

His eyes are just slipping shut when he catches sight of another notification.

 **Julian:** havey?

 **Julian:** can i talk to you?

 **Julian:** never mind, mitch texted me to say you’ve gone missing

 **Julian:** let me know when you’re back safe

 **Julian:** i’m so sorry

Sleeping is impossible after that, dawn poking through the curtains before Kai can even drift off lightly.  He drags himself out of bed and over to his suitcase, almost tripping over the bedpost and swearing like a fiend.  Luckily for him, he’d barely unpacked (he shudders, because Julian was on him the moment the two of them fell into the room) so it doesn’t take long for him to collect the few items strewn around the hotel room, before his eyes fall on Julian’s forgotten Leverkusen shirt.

His best friend isn’t in a place to ask for it back.  He could accidentally forget to bring it with him, and have it thrown away by the maid, it would be so easy, but his arms work of their own accord and he picks it up, shoves it in the top of his backpack and zips it up with a violence that makes his head ache.

“Morning, sunshine,” Sam says when he arrives in the lobby. “How are you feeling?”

“Fantastic,” Kai grumbles, flashing a smile at the receptionist (who doesn’t try to flirt with him, thank fuck) as he checks out.  The taxi driver is hoisting his bags into the back before he even steps into the husky Spanish morning, but the lack of sleep hits him before he can offer help, so he accepts and wolfs down the breakfast Mitch has picked up for him, and falls asleep on the backseat.

He spends most of the journey home in a catatonic state of debility, watching helplessly as the plane passes through the clouds and takes him back to where he knows his best friend is waiting. He’d had to talk Mitch out of getting Julian to meet them at the airport, the threat of the extremities of his potential reaction and the damage to his career hanging over him when his heart is breaking.

Kai knows he’s one of the luckiest people in the world, yet as the seatbelt sign pings as they begin their descent into Cologne, he has never hated being a professional footballer more.

* * *

_K_ ai watches the taxi drive away until it’s rounded the corner and is long gone before he can even bring himself to look at Julian’s house.  The thud of his heart is disorientating, and he has to slump against his suitcase to recollect himself before crossing the deserted road and crunching across the gravel leading towards the front door, squeezing his eyes shut to fend off the “what the fuck are you doing?” thumping in his head.

Mitch had practically thrown him into the car and instructed the driver to take him to Julian’s and Kai hadn’t had the energy to argue.  He stares at the door, trying to remember how to breathe which has apparently evaded him when he thinks about his best friend is inside and is hit by the overwhelming urge to bolt.

He turns away, kicking up a stone as he heads for the street, when he hears his name called out from behind.

It’s Julian, hand rested on the door and all colour drained from his face.  Kai’s knees melt at the sight and he tries to conceal the way his entire body is shaking under Julian’s gaze, fights to catch his breath so he can sprint away and hide for the rest of the summer, but Julian’s stepping out of his porch and is striding over to him before he can even move an inch.

“Come inside,” Julian says, sounding like he always does, and _shit,_ Kai really doesn’t want to, yet the older one has intertwined their fingers and is gently pulling him into the hallway.  “Do you want anything?”

“No,” Kai chokes out.  His eyes catch on his shirt Julian has framed on the wall (Kai had talked Julian into hanging it up in the front room and he’s never resented that decision more) and it reminds him of the shirt he’s got in his backpack.  “This is yours.  Not like you’ll need it anymore, though.”  He chucks the piece of clothing back with a hostility he didn’t intend, hating how normal the black and red material looks, splayed in Julian’s hands.

“Kai,” Julian says weakly, “I’m sorry.”

Kai can’t look him in the eyes.  How could he, when Julian told everyone he was leaving and left Kai, despite _everything_ they had between them, to find out through his new club’s fucking Twitter account?  He suddenly hates him like he’s never hated anyone, and the sensation is scary and overrides all the feelings Kai’s ever had.

“They triggered my release clause.”

“You didn’t have to go.”

“No, I know,” Julian stammers.  He’s craning his neck like he does when he’s trying to catch Kai’s attention on the million morning-after’s, when Kai was overtired and grumpy and Julian’s smile was too bright for him at eight in the morning.  The reminder is painful.  “I made the choice to go.”

“Why?”

Julian doesn’t answer him.  Kai hears, rather than sees, the older one walk over to him, but when he feels Julian’s cold hands clasp his he pulls away.  He wants to hurt Julian, wants him to feel just a fraction of everything he’s going through because fuck knows he could never tell him.

Because if he told him, that would be facing up to everything, and Kai doesn’t do that.

The older one sighs quietly, and Kai hears him mumble something he doesn’t quite catch and maybe it’s for the best, because if Julian says anything to break his heart, he’s going to _kill him_. 

Time comprehension has vanished the moment Kai stepped through the door, so he has no idea he stands deliberately not looking at Julian as the older one tries to wind himself into his personal space.  He’s infuriated and charmed, betrayed and relieved, furious and something--- something Kai doesn’t want to think about.

His thoughts are broken by the creak of the stairs and turns to see Jannis descending slowly towards them.

“Is now a good time?”

Julian turns and looks like he’s about to tell Jannis to fuck off, but Kai wants rid of the ripple of Julian’s hot breath on his neck and takes it as an opportunity to move away, towards Jannis who is already extending his arms to hug him.

“I kept telling him to tell you,” Jannis whispers when he’s sure Julian won’t be able to hear him, “he kept putting it off.”

Kai wants to ask him why, but Jannis is pulling away and heading towards the kitchen, shooting a generic insult in Julian’s direction like he’s trying to slice through the hostility that fills the room when Kai finds himself meeting Julian’s eyes.  His hand winds around the post at the foot of the stairs, because Julian is advancing towards him and his knees feel like they might give out.

The run of the tap from the kitchen screams in the silence.  Julian doesn’t say anything until Jannis has disappeared back upstairs, throwing a casual punch to Kai’s shoulder as he passes, and they’re alone again.

It slips out before Kai has time to prepare himself for the answer,

“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

After staring at him for fucking ever, Julian stops looking at him for the first time and it’s _infuriating_ , because Kai has finally decided he wants answers and it’s now Julian isn’t responding.

(It’s the moment Julian really leaves, he realises belatedly.)

“I-I don’t know.  I should’ve.”

“You promised me you’d tell me first if you were even considering leaving, and then I’m the only one who has to find out from fucking Twitter?” Kai says, voice raising louder and he knows Jannis is going to be able to hear them, but he can't bring himself to care because the fucking hurt look on Julian's face has opened the floodgates and there's no going back now, because why the fuck should Julian get to act like he's the one who's being abandoned?

“Kai, please calm down.” Julian says, coming closer towards him and no, Kai can’t let himself fall into him because he’s _so fucking mad he doesn’t know what to do with himself_.  “I know I should’ve told you,” Kai feels Julian’s hand brush over his wrist like it did on the stifling evening in Barcelona and snaps away because he doesn't want Julian to touch him and pretend everything's okay.  It was only three fucking nights ago, yet it feels like a lifetime.  “It was just--- hard.”

“What did I do to make talking to me seem hard?” Kai says, forcing Julian to look at him and hates himself at the way he revels in the pain that flickers across Julian’s bloodshot eyes.  It’s the truth, though, because Julian has always called him the person he trusts completely and it’s incomprehensible that the older man would turn his back on him when the most pivotal decision of his life comes around.

Julian moves back, away from him and Kai can’t hide his relief.  He feels like he’s on a knife edge and anything his best friend says is liable to send him over the edge and he knows that it won’t be pretty.  His best friend, who is mumbling again.

“What?” He says.

“I said, it’s just Dortmund.  I’m an hour away, I can still visit you and we can still play Fortnite for hours, it’s not like I’m leaving for England or some shit.”

He hates how true it is, and how simple Julian makes it sound, and how much of an idiot Julian must think he is.  He craves to scream at him everything that flashed through his mind when he saw that fucking photo of Julian in the vivid yellow and black of Borussia Dortmund, smiling like he'd escaped, and maybe he has.  Maybe he's escaped Kai and all the things his best friend seems to know about him without him ever voicing them.

Kai turns away on the basis of his own thoughts and his feet take him to the window, hand clasping the handle of his suitcase he doesn't remember letting go of.  The BayArena glistens in the distance, floodlights shining in full intensity as Kai almost watches the pink streaks of dusk melt into a sheet of blue-black night and it's stupid to think of it, yet he feels like the glow is illuminating everything he's feeling for the entire fucking world to see.  The comments about him being left, Julian placing a photo of them alone in his goodbye post.  

He wonders if everyone's enjoying his heart breaking.

“It’s the principle,” Kai says to the glass, and he wants to say more, wants to continue to hurt Julian because he’s torn to pieces inside and it’s the worst feeling to be the one not in control, but then he’s got a fucking lump in his throat and his eyes are starting to water.  He sounds _pathetic_ when he continues, “are we not enough for you?  Leverkusen, Mitch, Sam, _me?_ Are we just not good enough?”

“No, it’s not that, never that,” in the reflection, he watches Julian moves closer until he's standing right behind him and fucking hell it’s making Kai dizzy, “I wanted to do this so I can see what the world has in store for me.”

Kai detests how much his answer makes sense.  It suddenly hits him that he can’t stay, that he has to get out of here before he completely falls apart as he would rather die than have Julian hold him as he sobs.  He chokes out a broken half-sob and scrambles his hand noisily against the door handle, almost falling out of the door as his ignores Julian’s cries of his name.  He knows his best friend will follow him and screams something incoherent about leaving him alone into the howl of the wind as he bolts down the street, suitcase clattering along the pavement behind him.

His heart works overtime, and he doesn’t even know which direction he’s running until he finds himself outside his apartment block and suffers another moment of imminent breakdown when he notices Sophia sitting on the steps by the front door.

“Hey,” she says as he throws his arms around her and tries to quash the urge to vomit.  “Let’s get you inside.  We leave for Greece tomorrow.”

“You’re the best,” he gets out, chucking his keys at her and letting her half-carry him the whole way up to his flat.

(Unbeknownst to him, Julian watches the whole exchange from the other side of the road and wonders, not for the first time, if he’s made the right decision.)


End file.
